Reaction to last month’s tale of “Love in Three Dimensions,” a departure from my usual ponderous column style, suggests a sequel. The story thus far: Our hero, the handsome young Prince, unzipped the pants of an older Ruddy Woodsman and said, “I will love you forever” as the two saved his father’s kingdom from disaster, and the King gave the prince a raise in his allowance.
One morning at breakfast, the King said to the Prince, “My dear son, you and Ruddy Woodsman here have not only saved the kingdom but given so many pleasure with all those videos you two have made for XTube. You have provided such inspiration to others that the Master Priest is considering naming you saints even while you live.”
The Prince responded, “Wow! Thanks, Dad.” The woodsman said, “Your son is prodigious in all ways.”
The King continued. “However, new challenges await. People are suffering because they do not know when to unzip pants. Some people on other planets don’t even know what zippers are for.”
“Golly, Dad,” said the Prince. “We must help them. But where are they?”
“They are on a strange place called Earth, particularly in the United States where many are oppressed and don’t even know it. Their leaders think war is fun because they don’t know when to unzip their pants.”
Ruddy Woodsman said, “Your son, Our King, is the best pants-unzipperer ever, and I would be honored to help him in this project. All we need is a spaceship.”
The King, who was very wise, spoke: “Spaceships are so ’60s, Ruddy Woodsman; they cost too much, they are always breaking down, and it’s hard to get a quick repair, especially if you’re out past Betelgeuse. All you guys need is a chew on the leaves of the sacred plant in the Cathedral of the Forest where the Master Priest presides. Go, and return with a good report, and I’ll raise your allowance again.”
The Prince said, “Wow! But Dad, you don’t have to raise my allowance. I just love unzipping pants anyhow because it does people so much good.”
So the Prince and the Ruddy Woodsman went off to the Cathedral of the Forest where the Master Priest was waiting with a protuberance under his robe, to test them. Even though it required a different, non-unzipping technique, they did well on the test, and the Master Priest asked the two if they would eat the sacramental Leaves of the Sacred Dimension plant. “Dad told us to do it,” said the Prince, “and my Dad raised me right.”
No sooner was the Priest’s blessing pronounced than the two found themselves in a very strange place indeed, which they learned was called a shopping mall, and they quickly made lots of people happy who then registered as Democrats.
The crowds they drew urged them to an even stranger place called the Capitol, and shortly thereafter funds were cut off for taking over other people’s countries by lies, and the money was put into health care and sex education. But the folks there pushed our hero and his partner to the strangest place of all, called the White House.
First they found a weeping wife who said, “My man has to prove he is a man by waging war, and all these beautiful young men and women get killed.”. “I’ll fix that,” said the Prince, and he and the Woodsman unzipped the First Zipper, and showed him how the thing worked. The First Zipper said, “Golly, is that what that’s for? I had forgotten, but now I remember how it can make both me and the Lady happy, but you guys need to go to the Creep (he has a very pleasant daughter) and show him how his thing works.”
Off went our heroes. Soon the Creep was saying, “You mean I don’t have to deceive, subvert government intelligence, get rich, promote corruption, and send kids to their deaths in order to be a Real Man? All I need is to unzip my pants? Wait till I leak this to Tim Russert! But you’ll have a hard time convincing the neo-cons.”
Faced with their final challenge, the Prince and the Woodsman lined up Wolfiewiz, Fithe, Pipette, Purf, Crystal, Ibrams, and others along a wall in a dark alley with Avogadro’s number spray-painted on a wall. Swift like a click, down came their trousers. Soon all were converted to the pants of peace and understanding and before long they stopped calling liberals unpatriotic, taxes were made fair, CEOs had to work for their pay, and there was peace in the Middle East.
Our heroes, having reshaped history with their zipper skills, returned home. The Master Priest podcast a sermon praising them for practicing the Religion of Love, the King upped the Prince’s allowance once again, and the Prince kissed the Ruddy Woodsman where he loved it the most.
The Rev Vern Barnet, DMn., does consulting, teaching and writing for religious and educational organizations here. His Kansas City Star column appears each Wednesday.