Being a celebrity columnist is a curse. It really is, heathens. As one of the nation?s leading Christians, I have a duty to lead you all into the Light, and as I follow the path of that shriveled little Mother Teresa, I imagine she would have had a Web site like mine (www.askfrancine.com) to archive her cute and clever columns.
However, some voodoo witch who called herself Francine (imagine!) used my good name to build a wicked Web site that gave sinners a ?psychic reading? for money. AskFrancine.com used to be an online psychic hotline.
Tears of horror fall from my gorgeous green Christian eyes. (Please God, don?t let mascara run down my face.)
People are still sending AskFrancine e-mails asking for psychic advice, and quite frankly, I think there?s voodoo involved. You?ll notice that today?s column is not as witty or clever as usual, so I can only assume that Voodoo Priestess Francine has put a curse on me.
My friends at the Baptist headquarters want nothing to do with this affliction, so I did the same thing Linda Blair did in 1973: got a house-call from a cute little Catholic priest.
One call to the Vatican and, within minutes, I had the Most Rev. Robert W. Finn, D.D., bishop to the Kansas City and St. Joseph area, knocking at the door (the same servant?s door that Jay-Jay, my pool boy, uses. It doesn?t matter what service you provide ? you?re all still trade.). He told me that he?s the only Opus Dei bishop this diocese has ever had. I started thinking of that silly Da Vinci movie and the naked Opus Dei albino whipping himself and had to pinch myself to keep from giggling. But I was in a room with a man wearing a hot-pink dress, gorgeous gold jewelry?a male version of me, Francine! Thank you, God!
The bishop wandered over to my recycling bin and began digging through it. My expression of astonishment made him pause, so he explained that he was searching for evidence of sin ? and evil. As he pulled out the latest edition of Camp, he gasped.
?This is pornography!? he screamed. Reaching into his robes (near his private area), he pulled out a piece of paper and began reading from his pastoral letter. ?Same sex pornography can be strongly influenced by a weak male confidence, loneliness and a poor body image. Realizing these contributing factors can help a person begin to look for the ways to redirect his or her ?relationships? in a more generous and healthy manner.? He explained that Love can only be recognized through a heterosexual relationship.
Heavens to Betsy, I could have told him that (and I?m a Southern Baptist!). I realized that this man wasn?t going to help me get over my writer?s block, demon attachments or the voodoo curse, so I marched him into my office, put a blank piece of paper in front of him, and put him to work.
Seriously. He doesn?t have a wife to manage him. God knows women rule this world, and that?s the reason gay boys and priests are having so much trouble lately.
He started to protest, but I bopped that little pink pom-pom hat on his head with my manicured fist and told him to be quiet. He then compiled my grocery list, filled out a check for my monthly donation to the HRC Federal Club (I donate thousands to them, you know), and then we began my Christmas Wish Gift List.
I know it?s a little early, but I so want my readers out there to know that Francine allows her followers to purchase indulgences for their sins. Cash only, please.
Francine’s Top 10 Christmas Gift List
1. A new Judith Ripka diamond ring.
2. My pool-boy, Jay-Jay, will follow the Most Rev.?s advice and throw away his poor body image, immediately overcoming his gay tendencies. That has me thinking? if Jay-Jay has 3 percent body fat and has a poor body image, does the Most Rev. think that adding more body fat will make you straight?
3. Taking the children from K-Fed and giving them back to Britney Spears.
4. Mr. John that publishes Camp will overcome his sins, begin dating women (real women, not the redheaded kind that hang out at Missie B?s) and stop publishing this piece of filth to procreate and allow me some much-deserved rest.
5. The Men?s Chorus and the Women?s Chorus do joint concerts. Often.
6. A cure for HIV/AIDS.
7. A smoke-free gay establishment. Goodness, you little queer folk, how I pity you! Do you throw away your clothing every weekend from the stench?
8.Everyone finds love. Even the bitter ones.
9. Peace settles over the world like a white, beautiful snowfall.
10. That you, dear reader, immediately burn this piece of trash you?re reading and wash your hands with bleach and ammonia. At the same time. And don?t breathe the fumes.