Ask Francine- The Moral War and the Republican’s Victory

***********************************************
Editor’s Note:
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp.
And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked. Would you like to respond to Francine or give her a tip on something that may be of interest? E-mail her
at francine@askfrancine.com.
**********************************************
The first time my knees began shaking was when U.S. Rep. Sam Graves touched me, gently, on the back of my hand, asking me to pass the salt.

Before you all get any untrue and perverted ideas that Sam and I shared a bathroom stall and had wild, democratic sex, I shall remind you that I, your humble Francine, honors the vow that Sam made to his horse-face wife and wild-eyed children back in Tarkio, Mo. However, that vow doesn’t help the hurt in my heart, for each Nov. 7 (the day Jesus blessed the world with Sammy’s birth), I light a candle and say prayer after prayer that he will represent all of us forever in the Sixth District. And although my manse in Loch Lloyd is not in his district, I travel two days each week up to that armpit of Missouri to help reach out to the sinners and ignorant — that is, anyone voting for Kay Barnes.

You gays just don’t get it, do you? Conservatives will win, and we will do anything to accomplish it. I spent last week at the Republican Convention in St. Paul, Minn., where I was surrounded by the Christians, the Whites, and the Wealth of America. I was at home, and at peace.

But today, as I dictate this column, there is trouble in my heart. No, it’s not because Sam has not sent me a text message since last night. It’s because there is a moral war going on, and I feel sadness in my heart, for you liberal sinners will all end up in re-education straight conversion camps, and nobody will read my column ever again. Let me backtrack a little to explain.

Camp sent me up to cover the Pray the Gay Away banquet we had Tuesday night (if you’ll recall, that’s when Fred Thompson and Joe Lieberman were droning on and on), so we Republican Elite were chauffeured to the Grand Hotel Minneapolis to honor our tireless efforts to wipe homosexuality from the planet.

My, what a delightful program! Many of the photos that litter this page are from the event, and we began the evening laughing at gay ignorance — specifically, those Log Cabin Republicans. Gay and Republican? Please!

Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern, U.S. Sen. Larry Craig, Focus on the Family’s James Dobson and Vice President Dick Cheney did a little skit, pretending to be Obama Ross and the Bideens. I sneaked into the dressing room beforehand, catching Sally off-guard as she primped in front of the mirror. The photo, above, is priceless, don’t you think? What a hoot!

The best laugh of the night was when Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced that her Wasilla church has promoted a “Love Won Out” conference by Focus on the Family that promises to convert homosexuals to straight people, and the gays that didn’t convert were penned up in back of the church and used as target practice by the second-grade Sunday-school class (don’t worry, sinners, they used paintball guns).

I will so miss you, little gay boys and lesbian girls. Sarah made it plain and tall that she will shut down nasty little newspapers like this one to clean up America. I’ll miss you, I think.

My iPhone just beeped — Sam’s on the line and I must go. Sam and I have lots of things to talk about, like, well … that’s none of your business, is it?
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp.
And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked. Would you like to respond to Francine or give her a tip on something that may be of interest? E-mail her
at francine@askfrancine.com.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*