Halloween is upon us, and I have goodness in my heart this year. With a tiny bit of compassion for you heathens, I, along with my brethren in the Missouri Republican National Committee, have created cute little costumes for your pets to wear this Halloween.
Every gay man raises gerbils, and all lesbians do is talk about fish, so that’s who these costumes are designed for: fish and gerbils.
My GLBTQXYZ acquaintances tell me that Halloween is Christmas to the gay community. It’s like you all worship the birth of Satan, and the three wise men that visited him at his birth were named Sin, Sex & Sensuality. I should be upset that I am forced to be a part of this perversion, but last October my Mary Kay Cosmetics sales went through the roof. Good Republicans choose Bank of America over Bethlehem every time.
I’m very excited to introduce my Conservative Collection of pet costumes. Sarah, John and sweet little George. Can’t forget my sweetie Sam. And each time Bishop Finn looks into a mirror, it tells him he’s the most conservative of all!
New this year is our dear Mayor Funkhouser, who wins points for refusing to remove alleged racist Frances Semler from the Parks Board earlier in the year. Way to go, Mayor!
I’m looking forward to visiting all of my gay and lesbian fans after the election in cute little gay-to-straight conversion camps. But until that time, enjoy your last Halloween as homosexuals. I certainly will.