Lord knows I’m not a racist. There is not a bone in my body that would allow discrimination against a fellow man (or woman). Yet, disturbingly, there are a few folks in my Grand GOP who are starting to inch toward the old days of those ancient giant legends like Jesse Helms and Mike Wallace … I mean George Wallace, may he rest in peace. For you little twinks not understanding any of this, grab your phones and Wikipedia “Governor George Wallace” to understand my brilliant humor. Racism is an American tradition!
It is a royal pain in the boom-boom to have to carry Christ’s cross around every day, being a slave to salvation and carrying the message of Christianity to the world. Yet I’m up to it, and being Kansas City’s most recognized Christian, I need to tell you heathens about a few changes in store for 2009.
First, Christ is the King, Elizabeth is the Queen, and I’m in the Lady in Waiting. The old bag popped in for a week-long visit at my Loch Lloyd manse after the New Year with her servants, horses and disease-ravaged dogs. That’s what we do, we Royals. We pop in on one another unannounced when we get bored. And she HATES the American flavor of Poly-Grip, I tell you. I was so happy when her carriage took her off to KCI. Due to the bad economy, she’s flying first-class, but with Southwest. Don’t ask.
Now that the holy season celebrating Christ’s Birth has ended, I have some sad news to tell you. National Log Cabin Republican President Patrick Sammon is quitting. Yes, the country is in ruin after an eight-year run of Georgie, our GOP Convention totally shunned Patrick and his cute little band of conservative gays, but that’s not stopping them from protesting the Demoncrat Inauguration. Republican Gays around the country will be wearing crowns made out of thorns to protest the abuse gay Republicans have to endure on a daily basis from the bourgeois gay liberals.
And the day after Barack Obama orders his first cup of coffee as president, sweet little Patrick is going to quit his job and go back to filming documentaries or whatever ex-GOP gays do. I’ll miss his cute smile, his self-effacing demeanor, and most of all, I’ll miss his seething self-loathing.
Oops! Almost forgot. There’s a meeting of the ex-gay organization Exodus International coming up with Obama’s new best friend, televangelist Rick Warren — the guy who’s giving the Inaugural prayer for our new president. I am tickled pink! To think that Obama, like Bill Clinton, sucked up to the gays to get himself elected … and then coats them with poo-poo! It’s heaven! I’m almost happy John McCain lost … almost.
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in
the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional
character. Well, you asked.