Ask Francine – Stop Whining So I Can Lead You Back to the Closet

I’m sick to death of listening to you LGBTs moan and groan about not being able to get married or about getting fired or losing your apartment because you’re gay.
Grow some backbone!
So you get the heck smacked out of you once in a while as you walk down the street. Stop holding hands with your same-sex partner! Go back into the closet where you’ve been very happy the last few centuries. I am tired of your whining.
There I go again, showing that dominant leadership talent I have. My obvious skill must be why I was asked by the Most Conservative Group in the World, the Value Voters Summit, to speak in a few weeks. In less than two years of writing this column, I have driven scores of men and women out of their homosexual lifestyles and back into fearful, loveless heterosexual marriages.
Praise Jesus!
In fact, my dear Catholic boy-pal, the Most Rev. Bishop Finn, is going to give me a knuckle-bone from some old saint at the Summit as a thank-you from his Vatican posse for scaring the gay kids straight.
I don’t agree with those Catholics on everything, but we do agree that putting the fear of hellfire in young, ignorant minds can work wonders. It’s amazing the folks who never question those of us in command of their spiritual lives. And I, for one, am happy for these cross-eyed followers, because they’re the main reason I was selected to walk hand-in-hand with Miss Carrie Prejean and former Gov. Sarah Palin into the hotel ballroom as the adoring crowd cheers.
However, I must share about 10 percent of the credit for my achievement with you Kansas City sinners. If scores of you hadn’t withdrawn from supporting Amendment 2 in 2004 — the one saying that the state of Missouri only considers marriage between a man and a woman to be valid — our state would recognize gay marriage today.
If more of you all had stood up in your church or temple and shaken your fist at the priest, rabbi or minister as they condemned gays from the pulpit … well, things may have turned out differently.
But they didn’t. You are weak, I am strong, and the power of salvation reigns through me, your humble Francine.
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked.

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