Ask Francine – The Word According to Me

I’m starting the new year in the same way my fellow Republicans are: attacking people who are different from me.
In Illinois, two GOP candidates for the seat once held by President Obama are throwing homo suspicions at one another. Conservative bloggers continue cheerleading gay intolerance (a trend started by our own GOP congressman, Sam Graves, when he used material from Ask Francine to attack his opponent — my heart still swoons when I think of that honor) Our Commander-in-Thief, who campaigned on LGBT equality, still hasn’t raised his pinky to lift any discriminating laws against you nasty little queers.
And for these things I am thankful!
We Christians own the United States, and I will tear out anyone’s heart with my acrylic nails if they disagree with me. Christians are warriors, missionaries with the machine gun of God. I don’t have to love my neighbor — if he doesn’t agree with me, I’ll pass a law to make his viewpoint illegal.
And you’re saying: “But Francine, in Matthew 22:36-40, it says ‘Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?’ Jesus replied: ‘ “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.’ ”
Well, in the book of Francine, the Law and the Prophets can hang themselves if they want ME to start giving everyone equal rights. It takes a true Christian — like me, for example — not to be tolerant of others. Once my work-release program is complete and I can cease writing this column for this skanky alternative newspaper, I’m going to fill my swimming pool with bleach and burn off the outermost layer of skin as a sacrifice to the Lord (and to burn off the germs that nasty publisher of Camp, John Long, gives to me when I am sitting at my desk and he leans over with his rough, chapped lips just inches from my soft, delicate earlobes and gives me editorial guidance. He’s a menace to society.)
As soon as I am done with this sermonette, I shall drop to my knees and pray for intolerance to continue filling my heart. 2010 is the Year of the Straights!
I am straight, I’m in power, and if you’re going to be in agony, you need to start practicing now. I guarantee that the fires of Hell won’t feel much different than what you’re going to experience in 2010, if I have my way.
Oh, my. I’ve carried on much too long. I’m going to be late to get my permanent eyeliner touched up. Blessings, dear ones!
Not All Religions Are Equal
Hands-down, Christianity is the best. We look the best, pray the best and hate the best. Here’s a list of religions that teach their followers to love their neighbors.
But that means loving the gays, and according to the book of Francine, that’s not going to happen. Stay away from these people!
Judaism Talmud, Shabbat 31a
That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn.
Buddhism Udanavarga 5:18
Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.
Islam Number 13 of Imam Al-Nawawi’s Forty Hadiths
None of you [truly> believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.
Native American Spirituality Pima proverb
Do not wrong or hate your neighbor. For it is not he who you wrong, but yourself.
Wicca The Wiccan Rede
And it harm no one, do what thou wilt.
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked.

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