Ask Francine – Valentine’s Day Love, With My Own Twist

If you’re not in the mood to read a mean-spirited "love" rant from a lonely, middle-aged conservative nouveau riche cougar, turn the page. You see, the love I’m spreading this Valentine’s Day is my own love for I LOVE when I make little heathens (like you) cranky. Your angry letters to the publisher and snide remarks about me travel back to my diamond-studded ears, making me giggle.
I don’t care about any of you. Your lifestyle is a choice, and you all can marry — that is, if you wed someone of the opposite sex. You have equal rights, but you won’t use them. You want me, a kind-hearted heterosexual, to weaken and let you perverts have special rights. The right to marry someone of the same sex. No way.
There, I said it. It’s taken me years to do it, and with Jesus, I’m standing up to all of you bad, bad people.
You want what I’ve had three times: marriage. Can’t you be satisfied with some sort of second prize, like a civil union? You little twinks and twinkettes can’t keep a relationship more than three days, and you want ME to give up my rights so you can be my equal?
Talk to the hand, babes.
In Kansas City and elsewhere, I’ve got friends: Archbishop Joseph Naumann of Kansas City, Kan.; the Rev. Fred Phelps; the Rev. Rick Warren, the Most Rev. Bishop Robert Finn and the most exciting Anne Heche. They all know that homosexuality can be cured with a little wine, a Bible, and a stagnant career.
Suffice it to say that you pervs can be cured. Barack Obama himself has come out and said he believes marriage is between a man and a woman. The Kansas City Catholic Diocese says so — or else they would offer same-sex spousal insurance benefits to their staffs. And most important, the people of Missouri say so, for more than 70 percent of them voted in 2004 to disown you and your perverted same-sex relationships.
You pay taxes to a state that files your tax return in between "scum" and "feces." I love researching and writing this stuff. It makes me feel so warm inside.
You know what else makes me feel warm right now (besides my new fox full-length coat from Alaskan Fur)? The tiny glow in my loins knowing that when the U.S. Supreme Court reviews the California Proposition 8 case that is now in U.S. District Court with my favorite homophobes, Justices Clarence Thomas and Anthony Scalia it will make marriage permanently illegal/impossible/immoral for you gays. And when you discover this, don’t be rushing down to the local Abercrombie & Fitch store for comfort.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, either Google "Prop 8" or burn this paper in the homeless campfire underneath the Broadway Bridge, for you’ve proven to be an ignorant, self-absorbed and exceptionally bad queer. The exact kind of passive queer that people like me love. You don’t want get involved, leaving things open so I can run things for you.
At this point, sodomites, you’re screwed. Really screwed. When the Supreme Court tells you that being queer is bad, and being straight is good, I win. I write the rules. Those of you who have made it this far through this column make me smile. There’s only two of you. You queers don’t care about your future. You only care about genitals. What? Politics? Let’s talk orgasm!
Silly, I know. And that’s why I, your humble Francine, will be able to rule your future like a female Hitler. You’re all self-absorbed, body-worshipping idiots, and those of us who are smart enough will pull enough strings will rule the world.
You may kiss my ring soon, heathens. Equality belongs to me. Cross my heart. Hope you die.
Oh, and happy Valentine’s Day. Love you bunches. And I truly, truly mean it.

ABOVE, from top left: These are a few of my favorite things: Sweet Bishop Finn and Archbishop Naumann, ornery Fred Phelps and that crazy Rick Warren, Anne Heche who rode Ellen D. to her fame, and let’s include Adolf, most likely insane. All support my faith-filled vision … only man and wife, outlawing legal weddings for the homos, so we all can rest at night!
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked.

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