I raise my wine glass in a toast to your hate mail: May this column be a thorn in the sides of you sweet, adorable perverts forever. Cheers! The publisher of this rag sends me manila envelopes full of hate mail from you righteous sodomites, and I read each and every letter.
That is, I read them right before I toss them into my firepit. Each month, I invite Kansas City’s top faith leaders to my humble manse for a dinner of fishes and bread, hydrated by the late Michael Jackson’s favorite beverage, Jesus Juice, and we pass around your letters, giggling at their abominations before we burn them. I marvel at how inventive you are in expressing your hatred toward straight people. I am the Chosen of God. You scream at me for taking away your rights? You never had them, sinners. You all claim you want the same rights as someone like me?
Well, you can have them, and it’s easy. Marry someone of the opposite sex. You homosexuals are just not very bright.
As Kansas City’s favorite Christian, I feel Jesus is tugging at my heartstrings to show you the way. And to make that happen, I will share with you all a few items from the secret guidebook that we conservative Christians are putting together to overtake you all. My gal-pal Sarah Palin is helping me plan this overthrow of your LGBTQRS culture, and here’s a sneak peek:
∼ Men are not allowed to take baths; they must take showers. On the same page, women must not stand while bathing. It’s ungodly.
∼ Any man caught going into the Plaza Bath & Body Works will be stoned on the spot. Men can enter the Leawood Bath & Body Works only if the man is there to hold the woman’s purse as she shops.
∼ For men, Facebook is used for posting details of your deer kill. Women shouldn’t be using Facebook, because their men-folk won’t allow it and they’re too busy cooking venison.
∼ Gyms should be used only by men who do not look at each other’s bodies or say, “Dude, you’re ripped. How do you do it?” The 24-Hour Fitness center on Ward Parkway will have an on-site minister to monitor same-sex cruising, and violators will be denied their steroids.
∼ The stars of _Glee_ should be publicly executed and dismembered. Men do not sing or dance, and women’s bodies should not be toned nor displayed in public.
∼ In that same vein, men do not sing in church. They sit at the back of the sanctuary or cathedral or temple and listen to sports programs, using a discreet earbud. Women sing. It makes them feel good about life, and the fact that they are lesser creatures because they were not born men. A warning to men who sing in church choirs: Jesus does not hear you. He only hears the women, because they’re supposed to wear big, loose robes in public.
∼ Oprah should be burned at the stake with all the authors of feel-good “self-improvement” books, because the only thing that anyone should read is the Bible. And this column. Not necessarily in that order.
∼ Fondue restaurants should be burned to the ground, and in the smoldering rubble of each one, a steakhouse should be built, preferably with a large meeting room for the Rotary Club, Chamber of Commerce, and the Republican National Committee. Why in heaven’s name would you pay that much money to cook your own food, anyway?
∼ Forced marriage between all unmarried women and men. Pairing will be determined by a council of Kansas Citians including myself, Bishop Robert Finn, and one of the screamers from Kansas City’s House of Prayer. Unmarried sinners will be summoned to the courthouse steps and each will be paired up with another sinner of the opposite sex and married on the spot. Once you’re married, you will throw away all ties to anyone of the same sex, or opposite sex, for that matter. Marriage is a contract, a birthright, a torture device. This is why we Christians don’t want to inflict the torture of marriage upon you sweet sinners. You don’t have the fortitude to endure. Look at this situation as a blessing, won’t you, dears?
∼ As Exodus International claims, “the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality, it’s holiness.” You see, sinners, it’s all about holes. When you find your way to salvation, you must explore holes that you’re not familiar with. That’s the way of the Lord.
I’m sure some of these new rules will take a day or two to get used to, but you’re going to love living in a dreamy Christian world that is full of harmony, love and no queers. I guarantee it, or my name’s not Francine. Enjoy your last Gay Pride, Kansas Citians — my friends and I have a better vision for your future. Just lay back, relax, and let us take care of everything. It’s all good.