As the City of Fountains’ best Christian, it’s my holiday obligation to guide you along your path of evil with my luminous soul as a source of Light. It’s a job that lesser Christians shudder at, yet I have the determination (and stomach) to guide you lepers into a brighter day. That’s why I have created a guide to help you tweak six of Kansas City’s most popular sexual fetishes into ones that the whole family can enjoy. You deviants are more likely to be spending Christmas inside a dark theater watching Cher gyrate than praying in a church, so you’ll need to prepare a bit to make your homes child-safe for visiting relatives. I cannot imagine why any relative would want to visit your abodes of abomination, yet I am not here to judge … merely inspire. May your holidays be bright, sinners.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #1
The attraction to giants, especially domination by giant women.
The largest woman (soul-wise) besides me is the Virgin Mary. Appearing as herself on toast, concrete walls and ketchup stains is a sign of a big ego, and sweet baby Jesus gets flustered at the face-time his mother gets with the human race. In fact, he gets downright crabby. That’s why, for the holiday season, Baby Jesus needs to have all the attention — he’s the Christ in Christmas, sinners. Solution: for you macrophilia freaks (and freakettes), substitute Mrs. Claus as your object of desire for the month of December. Although it may inhibit your fetish’s desire when you drool over a 700-year-old portly woman in red velvet, keep telling yourself it’s for the children, not your genitals.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #2
The attraction to bearded men.
This one goes without saying. You boy bears out there have had fantasies about Santa sliding down your chimney since you were 6 years old. In fact, your whole pogonophilia fetish started around Christmas when you were in first grade. This makes a lot of sense to me, sugarplum fairies, for you list Christmas as your second favorite holiday (after Halloween, of course). And in social settings, why do you call women pretending to be your girlfriends “beards”? Do you wish these women were Santa Claus? I’m all confused at this fetish, for when you start combining fat, bearded men and fetishes together I feel like I’m at the Old Country Buffet in Raytown on Christian Singles Night. Solution: Take your Santa collection out of your dungeon and display it proudly on your dining-room table. That way, nobody has to eat your cooking, for everyone knows bears only eat their meat raw. Yuck.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #3
The attraction to statues, mannequins, dolls and effigies.
To be honest, most gay men under the age of 24 would fit into this category. And from conversations with some of you, I suspect that I would get more out of conversation with a mannequin than with someone younger than a quarter-century. Not that you’re all hedonistic, body-worshipping, ageist, cookie-cutter little cyborgs — it’s just that I haven’t found the cellar where you’re keeping the normal young gay boys hostage. Solution: Gays under 24 that shave their nipples need to freeze whenever anyone older walks by. Us old fogeys get psychologically disturbed at the thought of walking mannequins.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #4
The attraction to either stuffed animals or people dressed as such.
My favorite stuffed animal is the bear I killed in Alaska while visiting my dear friend Sarah. For those of you sissies who want their animal crafted out of fake fur, I can only imagine it’s due to the fact that synthetic is less abrasive to your genitals. Except, of course, ermine. Do not get me started on that, sinners, for I have stories about catching Princess Diana with my tiara and fur-lined cape. God bless her soul — can you imagine how her casket is vibrating now that her oldest yanked her sapphire off her cold finger and placed it on that little English common tart? Makes my blue blood boil. But let’s get back to having sex with people in animal costumes. Solution: Make a martini and laugh about this fetish. The only good synthetic fur in this genre is a merkin, and I’m not touching that one, believe me.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #5
The desire to wear diapers and be treated as a baby.
The way you homo crybabies whine at not getting to serve in the military or marry each other makes me think that you invented this fetish. How many times do you have to be handcuffed to a fence or take us straight people to court? Pull the pacifier out, burp yourself, and put yourself to bed. You are not my equal, for you are a homosexual. Straight people are the adults — we make the rules. And if you're a homosexual, you’ve chosen to be the baby. Solution: Since you’ve chosen to be a homosexual, turn your car around and drive toward the Lord. Roll down the window and throw your glitter, tank tops and disco albums out. That heavenly pathway is straight and narrow.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #6
The desire of either biting a partner or being bitten by one.
I know I am the one who created this whole fetish holiday mishmash, but to be honest with you, I cannot for the life of me think of anyone who would enjoy being bitten for pleasure. I have been bitten by the flu bug, the love bug, and once in Thailand, a bed bug. I once bit the hand that fed me … but he deserved it. And I would bite the head off of a bat right now if I didn’t have to write words that you homosexuals will devour with desire, for my fan mail still tells me that I’ve got the touch. Old man John Long certainly has bitten off more than he can chew with this sassy lass, sissies. I still have the touch, and I hate doing this to you, but I must — wish you happy holidays. There, I’ve said it. Now this wretched column can end.