Some things have absolutely nothing to do with improving your health. And plenty o’ things have nothing to do with St. Patrick’s Day. We’ve got a theme — here we go!
It just doesn’t seem right to talk about jack o’ lanterns when we’re dancing a jig around the Ides of March. Sure, that carved pumpkin has the Irish-sounding contraction in its name, but it’s not a good fit for this time of year. The same idea goes with smearing gobs of butter all over your corned beef and cabbage. It’s not a good fit for your healthy eating. Kiss that butter goodbye, just as you might kiss the Blarney Stone.
You don’t think of groundhogs when you think of March 17. Just like you don’t equate puffing on a pack of Pall Malls with following your doctor’s orders. Our furry little rodent friends have Feb. 2 as their special day. Your special day should be any day that the cigarette packs are sitting safely behind the convenience store counter and not in your lucky hands.
You can’t be talking about Pilgrims and Indians during the third month of the year. It’s as absurd as getting four hours of sleep every night. That kind of malarkey will not lead you to the pot of fitness gold. It makes more healthy sense to get seven to eight hours of shut-eye nightly. That’ll give you more stamina to send your Thanksgiving friends back to November where they belong.
Singing festive carols in front of the Christmas tree is a great joy, but it has zero to do with the patron saint of Ireland. It’s kinda like leading a sedentary lifestyle and expecting to lose that spare tire around your waist. The two things just don’t go together. Change those carols to a more appropriate song — maybe “Danny Boy” — and get more active for the sake of your well-being.
Cupid and his arrows shouldn’t be hitting the bull’s-eye during this green time of the year. That Valentine’s virtuoso just needs a point in the right direction to get him back to his proper holiday. Likewise, your doctor can give you some helpful redirection to better cholesterol levels. Get your level back under 200 if you want to be around for plenty more St. Paddy’s Days.
The Pinta, the Nina, and the Santa Maria are not likely to be part of any Irish celebration stories in the last weeks of winter. It would be as incongruous as popping lots of prescription pain pills when you don’t have any pain to speak of. Christopher Columbus’ three ships belong to the second Monday in October, and the Vicodins belong to those moments when you reallyreally need some pain relief.
Thanks for having some fun with me as I skirled salubrious suggestions from my bombastic bagpipes. Have a hearty, healthy, and happy St. Patrick’s Day!
This wellness article is brought to you by that guy with his four-leaf clover. That green guy is Ron Blake, and he can be found swinging his shillelagh at firstname.lastname@example.org.