The greatest of health news shall command your attention in my award-winning fitness column. Yes, I’m excited to inform you that I was selected for the Society of Journalists Brian Williams Award for my contributions to the great field of health and fitness. I thank you for your support, my loyal readers.
Now let’s get on with the show. Some amazing new health discoveries have been released, and I have a sneak peek for you about all this excitement.
After a 10-year study, it appears that the tobacco companies were correct all along. There is such a thing as a healthy cigarette. Researchers created a cigarette that actually can make you healthier. When inhaled, smoke clings to the alveoli in your lungs and pulls away impurities that were already deposited by regular air pollution.
This type of smoke will not adhere to any portion of your lungs, but will actually act as a cleansing agent while attacking the bad boys. The FDA should be granting approval within five years. My college smoking days will be back!
And soon you will be able to gorge on all the chocolate your little heart desires. When this new drug is taken once per week, you can ride on a chocolate high without the worry of weight gain. This little pill will have you dreaming of Willy Wonka’s chocolate river and the Oompa Loompas. Bristol-Myers Squibb has the early patent rights.
Imagine M&Ms for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. There is only one major downside. For some, it could cause the toenails and fingernails to turn green. For chocoholics, this can be overcome with clear fingernail polish. Point me in the direction of the nearest Maybelline counter.
How do you feel about goat cheese, bananas and bacon? An eclectic mix for certain, but this trio is capable of halting your aches and pains, including those throbbing headaches. At the outset of the pain, you must first eat a piece of goat cheese. Then wait about five minutes before eating the banana and bacon combination.
Voila! The problems will disappear within 10 minutes. The effects are as strong as prescription painkillers and have none of the addictive side effects, according to all the research. Kraft Foods, Chiquita, and Oscar Mayer are dancing in the streets over this discovery.
Finally, there is hope for anyone with unwanted dimples. From the makers of Viagra comes the tablet that will cut that cellulite while you sleep. The medication, when taken properly, can trick the brain’s hippocampus into extended REM, or deep sleep sessions. This is when your brain is causing rapid eye movement and the dreams that lull you into Fantasyland.
When these REM sessions are extended, the body burns significantly more calories and the result is weight loss. Some study subjects lost as much as seven pounds in a week.
Of course there’s an ugly side. Subjects have woken up with wet bed sheets. Not the wet dreams that you funny guys are thinking about. These damp dreams are from excessive sweat from the body’s increased metabolism.
Now, if you believe in all this, I’ve got proof that George W. Bush can actually spell weapons of mass destruction. I am just being a practical joker. Have a fun and exciting April Fool’s Day, everyone!
This wellness article is brought to you by that guy who wants to have a running with scissors contest sponsored by lawyers. This guy of liability is Ron Blake and he can be found at firstname.lastname@example.org.