Ask Francine – The First Step in Transforming the Gays: Reading My Diary

January 18, 2008

A new year, and already I?m looking forward to spring, and the main reason ? April is the month when procreating heterosexuals have their once-a-year intimate relations. I have been invited to dozens of birthday gatherings these first two weeks of January, and as I count back nine months, there?s evidence that most proper Bible-Belt Christians choose one evening in April as their night to be intimate. […]

Ask Francine – The Parties Are Such Fun!

December 9, 2007

Is Loving My Gays Wrong?
Oh dear. My luscious toes are poking out of the bubbles, and my skin is wrinkled and pink. After an hour of slow-baste in my Jacuzzi, I want to share the holiday memories enjoyed with you gays the last two weeks

Ask Francine – Wit Escapes Me…It Must be a Curse

November 17, 2007

Being a celebrity columnist is a curse. It really is, heathens. As one of the nation?s leading Christians, I have a duty to lead you all into the Light, and as I follow the path of that shriveled little Mother Teresa, I imagine she would have had a Web site like mine ( to archive her cute and clever columns. […]

Ask Francine -The Whine of the Race Cars the Feel of Real Pearls

November 3, 2007

I just carried my trash can to the curb in front of my handsome Loch Lloyd manse (I am a pioneer woman) and bumped into my next-door neighbor, Christian construction magnate Roe Messner. He?s the widower of Tammy Faye, whom I accidentally killed with my tuna surprise casserole a few months ago. […]

Ask Francine – Cow People, Anti-Cow People and That Vile Alcohol

September 29, 2007

Satan has got hold of me, I swear. Who would have thought a conservative, modest girl could ever set foot in the evil places I?ve been these past two weeks? Since this hideous column is court-ordered by that liberal judge after my unfortunate DUI, I must obey and attend the gatherings that Camp assigns to me each week. […]

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